My young friend committed suicide this week. i was greatly saddened to here the news but i also understand all the suffering he felt.

i tried to commit suicide myself. A number of times. Im told i present myself well in public. Many depressed people put on that horrible “Happy Face” as if that will make depression go away. My friend presented VERY well, indeed.

i understand the absolute, mind numbing pain one feels throughout their body. It is unbarable when you are alone with your thoughts. Thinking spins, minuscule things grow into unfixable problem. i found away out with sleeping pills. i got close that time but finally pulled through…barely. My friend was having a REALLY bad day.

I learned how unfair it was and is to leave friends and family with so many questions and concerns one couldnt do more.

It is more difficult to reach out and ask for help than stewing in depression. Reaching out makes you have to deal with people and your just going to stay in bed, instead. Im still known to “check out ” and indulge the depression.

I am truly sorry my friend didn’t reach out. I could have told him more about my treatments. i, of all people, should have seen the signs, no? No, he was determined.

Depression is just the lack of hope for anything. Since my friend cant here my voice i say to you, i have worked incredibly hard to learn how to manage my depression. After several doctors, i found the right match. The cocktail of pills i take have, for the first in years been depression free for 7 months. im 56. i was 18 the last time i tried to kill myself but i did learn to hang on to hope.

Random, free streaming thoughts…


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