I am this close <hold index finger against thumb> to using meth. I am standing on the precipice looking down into the valley below me and I see the strewn wreckage of so many souls who plunged into the crevice of meth use before me. My support system has collapsed and I am alone struggling to make a decision; to use or not to use.
No man, beast or even insanity seems to satiate my desire to use. The power of meth prevails. There are those who rise up out of the darkness and I glimpse their face in agony as they struggle to climb out of the hell of meth use but my heart tells me not to believe what I see, my heart assures me that I will not fail this time. This time I will be able to function normally when I use. I will maintain a normal standard of living.
Meth is eternal. It is always there. Meth was there before I ever had to draw a line in the sand. It is beckoning to me from ads on line; it beckons me to return to that darkened place where I can not see reality. It promises to mask my loneliness, it will cloak my reclusive behavior, and it will make me feel free to be myself again.
Why do I stand on this steep drop and contemplate stepping off? Why do I continue to love meth when it has brought nothing but despair, death and isolation to me? For those of us who don’t care, meth is a constant. It is always there. Meth continues to fool me and make me believe that I have missed out. Meth does not let up on me. It barrages me with false memories of euphoria.
I have been clean for three plus years and you may be wondering to yourself, why don’t I leave it once and for all? Why don’t I turn from the bluff overlooking the souls lost to meth and walk away? I have and I will but I fear I will always be a meth head. I will always remember what it was like to have used and left behind this world of sadness, isolation and private struggle. I will always want to return to Oz rather then stay in Kansas.
I can look over my shoulder and see those behind me not daring to even come close to the precipice. Those that see me think I am crazy. I have to agree that standing so close to the chasm before me is daunting but since I have been there, I am more fearful, only that fear does not compel me to avoid use. As the fear grows in me, so does my desire to use.
I will step back for now. I have no choice. I have to find my inner strength and resolve. I avoided another near miss. I wonder if I will ever be rid of meth or the ravages it has brought to me or will I forever tread on the cliffs of desire and tempt the glass pipe to pull me in and let me float in the clouds again.
I am this close to using meth and I stand on the precipice looking down into the valley below me. I can see remnants of my own wreckage and back away. Slowly I manage to step back. I will not use but that doesn’t make me less of a meth head.