Crystal Meth, Meth, Tina or blowing clouds, it’s the same result and right now I am jumping out of my skin to be high on meth. I get these days when it’s downright difficult to handle my emotions fully. I’m absolutely able to manage my emotions but I can’t help stopping feeling the emotions churn. I think it would be fair to say that most non active meth users have had days that you want, no, you need to shut down. For me? I want that high so bad right now. One hit and I will feel ok having my feelings. I can be social, prepare meals and go to the gym. Being high evens out my feelings. I have slight differences between good feelings and bad feelings but not noticeable. I’m numb. That’s mostly when I miss the high. When I just need to feel good about the bad emotions for just a little while. A small break. So, while I will imagine being high, I realize what I truly want deep down. I need two hours. If I chase this high, I would walk a line. It’s so much effort. Suddenly, I need to make a connection. Who knows how many hours that will take? If you’re a smart Tweaker you through all parts of your paraphernalia out when you became a non-active user, like me! Fuck! I have to go get a pipe, a torch, screens and definitely a bottle of water. Damn, how much money am I spending? I’m still only wishing for 2 hours. What the fuck? Now I have to find a party buddy! I broke all my ties with my party buddies. I must have someone on my phone. Great, how lucky am I? I can’t find one. This all got me thinking about all of us who’ve done meth, we all did so for different reasons. For me it’s loneliness. I have a thread of loneliness that has run through me since I was a child. There are times but not many, loneliness is tenfold. It makes it so difficult to really function at all. I just need a break. Gosh darn it! This moment is the challenge. Continuing the courage, I have to have become a non-active user. During these times I build our character. I learn just how easy life is when I’m just being honest. No more lies. Oh! And the lack of sleep. One hit and I’m awake a good twelve hours and a couple of days recovery. I’ve got to take Ambien for a few nights. Am I lying to myself because I don’t have to be truthful because nobody is asking? How much of our lives are being invaded by just the thought of a few minutes with that high. I don’t know how I did it but I just looked at myself one day I said no more. I refer to myself as a non-active user because there is something in me that I think once a meth user always a meth user. I’m either active or inactive and to be honest there may be that one second later today, any day actually, but that one second, I give up. That’s when I think about how much effort, how much time, my job, my family. How much do I have to give up for those 2 hours? One year later and I’m just redefining my family. Yet I’m still nursing and pinning for the high. I don’t have the courage to up end my life for a drug induced high that is so fucking good I kept it around and suddenly it had my mortgage. I close my eyes and that second, in that moment of time my life choice is to be a non-active user or an active user. No body is around when I have my moment and I get to choose my destiny. I have complete control over the entire rest of my life. It’s so hard today but I just don’t have the energy to go through all the steps to get high. I seriously don’t like ingesting it and it makes me vomit. It’s all about that emotional numbing. I’ve done TV. I’ve played computer games. I pet my dogs and I pace. I remind myself that it was my idea. I absolutely have complete control in the blink of an eye. 12 meetings, God, and family won’t be able to save me from getting high. It’s my choice. I challenge my entire being focused on saying no. I commit to the decision and breathe a heavy sigh. I cannot hardly believe that I said no again. I felt certain it was going to be a yes, but I’m committed to a no now. The moment is over. I realize this is a thought that goes through my head every day. I keep declining and even being arrogant that I won’t stop being an active user ever again. I can see scenarios where I might not want to say no. Going back. I can’t do that. I’m moving forward. I took my moment as fast as hummingbird wings to pick the direction I would go. Forward. The past is over, the future rests completely in my personal decisions. I made the decision right for me. I’ve certainly chosen the wrong decision on plenty of occasions. But, at this moment. This miniscule slice of time, I said I’m sorry, I can’t today know I’m going to have this same tussle again and again. I soldier on. Some people don’t survive a war. Even the strongest and toughest still get wounded and slip away. I just hope the timing continues to hold out for me and I brave the battles ahead.